In class we were talking about how cats teach themselves to hunt around their collar bells, and this dude followed that up with “well you know how Santa has those reindeer covered in those bells, right?”
and what he going for was “the bells on cat collars are the same that reindeer are pictured wearing”
But what *I* heard was “Santa’s Reindeer are predator animals that are covered in bells for our protection” and let me tell you I did not appreciate that.
we’re all getting “older” but age is a relative thing. i’ve licked things that are 250 million years old. you’re not that old and you’re not worth licking.
Clare this is by far the most terrifying post you have ever made
Is this person an archaeologist and referring to the “lick test” for fossils or does she go down on the old gods…?
the only thing funnier than chris fleming’s comedy itself is people on social media politely referring to him with gender neutral language because they’re not sure what to make of his whole thing
when i saw him he made a joke that started with, “so my girlfriend and i…” and there were ripples of confusion throughout the crowd and he said, “yeah, that’s always a big m. night shyamalan twist”
concept: a game called “john mulaney or cecil palmer?” where you have to guess if a quote was said by popular stand-up comedian john mulaney or fictional radio host cecil gershwin palmer
this might sound easy, but please keep in mind that john mulaney has
said “whoa, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child!
you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!” and cecil palmer has
said “alligators: can they kill your children? yes.”
John has said “🎶Because we’re Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare! 🎶” and Cecil has said “Delta Airlines, because it’s not like you’re safe anywhere else.”
A concept: John Mulaney is a former radio host from Night Vale
guy who stands on street and spins sign for quiznos
being spider-man
and thats IT i dont want any of this “hes a genius tech ceo making millions” SHIT. Spider-man is BROKE and he missed rent this month and he has a tiny apartment and thats how its MEANT TO BE. he doesnt make money because he is our Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-man and not fucking Tony Stark.
how about dog walker while in spiderman costume
you. you get it
im imagining “being spider-man” as his full-time gig and i just
he has a patreon. the description is just the words “I’m Spider-Man” and all he ever posts is specifically-requested selfies from people who want to be sure its really him. pinned to the top of the page is a picture from the top of the empire state building (not the observation deck, the real top) of his spider-gloved hand holding a bagel that is on fire, with 34th street in the background
do you think lucretia started off as this little introvert who always spoke carefully and would barely tremulously let out a ‘damn’ but after 100 years of journeying with the other six, they rubbed off on her so now she says things like ‘hot diggity shit, that is a baller cookie’
do you think she ever misses being their wallflower baby. do you think she saw taako and magnus act like she was their mom in their time at the bureau and thought about when they ruffled her hair. do you think she heard ‘the director’ and wished it was ‘lucretia’ again, but knew that would be too much.
